Lost Faith 1988 - 1990

How I came to lose my Christian Faith and became what I call a “don’t know”.

Events up to the ending of my faith.

As a Christian, I had come to the belief that God wanted me to establish churches all over Europe starting in the UK as a base and then spreading into France and beyond. The initial stage never really got going. I had believed that the Bible was a factual account and thus God and the Jesus person (plus the Holy Spirit thing) were the same and things would happen the same as noted in the Christian Bible. For example, people speak in other languages not already known to them, dead people raised to life. Three thousand people converted in one day; this is a noted occasion in Jerusalem over two thousand years ago etc etc. When reading the spread of Christianity and the credentials of a character called Jesus events happened that were so magical (Like in Harry Potter) that one would be left with no choice, but to say that Jesus is the real answer to life other than the now established answer of 42 (As the computer "Deep Thought" gave - need to read "Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy")

When reality was far moved from expectation it was always my fault. Not enough faith, had sinned etc. It could never be a case of questioning the foundation of belief "the bible".

I was always after truth as opposed to following some personality. My then wife and I started a church on the south coast of England, believing the time would come to be a launching pad to go into Europe. But somehow after some initial success. Many new people, lots of baptisms etc. The church never really got going. I started a Christian bookshop that dragged us down financially rather than being a place for people to get literature about Jesus. Further steps in seeking the truth and in attempts to see my then Christian faith work. I fasted for 21 days, at the end of my involvement in the little church, before a final trip to Paris, I opened a little church building every night for 12 weeks advertising by dropping a leaflet through letter boxes in the local area. Ringwood and other towns round about. The advertising focused on Jesus only. Come and hear about Jesus, no gimmicks, no big name, just Jesus. All this failed and and my family moved to Wales, because the housing was cheaper. A real foolish move, but I knew so little about surviving in the normal world, having tried to live by faith for so long. Wales was the pits, cheap housing, but no work. I still kinda believed when we got to Wales, but then traveling to a special government training scheme trying to listen to the New Testament in French on tape, I found I could no longer believe. I had "lost my faith". This was devastating from hope to despair. Out of something into nothing, my life and marriage based on my beliefs that were no longer real or valid.

I had said, I envy people who still believe. But I have been thinking that to believe is not a good thing in the long run as there are so many pitfalls I think that honesty wherever possible is still the best for people to get through life with the best chance of fulfillment.

Now that I no longer believed I took a good long look at Christianity in the cold light of day

Openness and honesty I aways seek to maintain wherever practically possible. So, I stood one day in Tredgar (UK Wales) on a little piece of tarred pavement and said finally "God if you are really there and are interested in me you had better let me know because I am at a complete lost". (No response).

I realized that where prophecy was coming together in the Bible like the European Union representing ten nations was now moving far into the distance. That outside the gospels and New Testament writing there was no contemporary wrting to substantiate events at the time. Christian Scholars had quoted Josepheus who would be like my grandchildren writing about the events of the dearth of Elvis Presley from the record of the UK Sun newspaper.

Over the years since then I have because completely surprised at how much people lie outright. So many things said by individuals ,while I was into christian things were outright lies by many. Because I think they wanted acceptance etc. So when people preachers and books related miracles, they were in fact just stories. My simple test is they never happen when I am there. Always when I am not. I was so naive about people and their sincerity.